Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Beautiful Agriculture—and Fiber Rabbits

I GOT rabbits. And thus have I graduated from average urban farmgirl to full maniac. These are farmstead animals, employed members of my backyard system. I'm not going to eat them. They're fiber rabbits.

Fiber rabbits! A few years ago I didn't know there was such a thing. Fiber rabbits belong to a special category of utilitarian farm animals that are adorable and don't have to die. That would be along with milkers, egg layers, bees, guardian animals and non-rabbit fiber animals like sheep. As a sensitive wuss vegetarian and farmstead enthusiast I really appreciate this category.


Even with the egg layers and dairy animals some loss of life must take place. Boy goats and roosters don't make eggs and milk, but eggs and milk cannot be produced without their existing at some point (as breeders or offspring) creating a conundrum most readily solved by someone--not a sensitive wuss vegetarian--eating them. Fiber animals of both sexes give humans something nice without anyone having to die. 

THERE ARE those who believe using other animals for any selfish human purpose is wrong. Animals exist for their own reasons, they say, suggesting we leave them to it. And I fear these presumable vegans are right, though I selfishly hope they are not entirely right. The thorny fact is that laying hens and milk cows and fluffball sheep would not exist without our having bred them into existence. So I think maybe technically, for better or worse, they exist for reasons inextricably bound to us. Same goes for dogs, cats, roses and most things we eat. 

All this human selection is a tremendous responsibility. There is a legitimate argument to be made that it is cruel to breed sheep and rabbits so heavily furred that they depend on us to regularly relieve them of their coats, or poultry who cannot survive the wild. I don't know yet whether I can adequately justify taking advantage of such breeding, but nor am I convinced of its inherent wrongness. 

Animal rights sorts aren't the only skeptics of agriculture, of course. It is rather hip in certain circles to pine for hunter gatherer days--paleo eating and squatting to defecate and all that. Some people find it more honest to hunt or trap a wild animal than befriend, cohabit with and take advantage of a domestic one. I respect that way of thinking, but take a different view. And not just because I love cheese and bread and tomatoes and wool and a bunch of other things agriculture makes possible.


I THINK agriculture is beautiful. Done right. Joel Salatin is fond of saying that good agriculture should be 'aesthetically and aromatically, sensually romantic.' Good agriculture can give its participants bliss. I recently grew a buckwheat cover crop on one of my raised beds and watched my hens tear it up. In that moment was bliss--theirs and mine. They clucked self-actualization as they turned the soil for my fall crops.

Agriculture is a millenia-long collaboration among humans and other species. It's bold, messy and morally complex. It has the capacity to be epically destructive: to the land and to the lives of all who work for or eat from it. So even when you have a postage stamp city homestead, producing piddling quantities of anything, there is much to consider.

And consider I do! The ethics, the economics. I fret myself silly until I decide to go ahead and see if I can, say, keep a pair of Angora rabbits happy and healthy in my yard, and make clothes from their spare fur without ever hurting them, and actually come out ahead when I crunch the numbers. I weigh the costs of housing, organic pellets, grains for sprouting fodder against the benefits of making myself and everyone I know dope luxury scarves and hand warmers of absurd softness. From my own freaking bunnies! I think the numbers look good. We shall see.

My buns are two months old now, learning the ropes along with me: when to hop about the yard and when to rest and digest in the safe hutch, how to relax into my grooming attentions, why collaborating with my wishes is worthwhile (treats!). I was at their conception. I met them hours after their birth.

Luckily I have had about six months to practice on my neighbors' English Angoras, one of whom birthed my own bunny bairns. They have taught me rabbit ways, rabbit treat preferences, how not to offend. (I did not realize this, but rabbits are easily offended.) They shed, I brush them, I accumulate luscious heaps of Angora wool. I watch Netflix, I spin the wool on a drop spindle, I knit the yarn into items of clothing, I wear the clothing. Every part of the process is meditative and gratifying.


THERE ARE other perks. I take very seriously my role as a curator of cuteness in this world. And goodlord: it's almost unbearable how plush these wooly bunny bodies are. The creatures themselves are wonderful much like Angora scarves are. Fluff comfort. The purest kind of soft.

The rabbits eat things neither the chickens nor I particularly care for, like kale stems. And they love to chill in shady nooks neither the chickens nor I can squeeze into. They produce tidy, round fertilizer nuggets that can be applied directly. I am starting to see their niche in the backyard ecosystem.

As I look upon my yard these days--hens laying, bees foraging, bunnies furring, corn looming, beans working the pole--I am amazed at all the creation. Maybe humans love agriculture because it makes us feel like God. But I'm not sovereign over my yard. I'm just semi-competent designer slash manager. I'm in awe of what is going on back there, the crazy way all of us creatures are making something together.






Monday, June 29, 2015

The Good Old Thug Love Duet

REMEMBER the video for "I'm Real"? JLo in hoops, bun, pink velour jumpsuit, smiling over how real she is. Ja Rule in a white do-rag, growling Ja Rule-isms. It epitomizes a classic rap sub-genre: the thug love duet.




Turn-of-the-millennium thug love duets have a bubblegum quality that predates the darkly complex sex-love relations of the Drake era. Think of Cam'Ron's bouncy "Hey Ma" or Jay and Bey's "'03 Bonnie & Clyde," from before she was Ms. Carter.


IT'S A WORLD where men rap hard and ladies sing nice. The guys are wild and profane, but the women are endlessly sweet, holding them down with smiling hooks. Down to ride to the very end. Thug love duets are about badboys and the good girls who love them; only the earnest heart of the good girl can melt a thug. All I need in this life of sin.

Undisputed princess of the genre is almond-eyed Ashanti. She mighta been singing "Foolish" over these fools later, but she made an ideal thug lover, her innocent smile the perfect foil for rapper grimaces.

The ladies aren't just relegated to hook duty these days; they rap hard as the dudes when they feel like. Thug love bangers may be naughtily retrograde, but they are so delicious. It's that polarity of masculine and feminine, hard contrasted against soft, plus a notion of love that's wonderfully simple: opposites attract.

Listen to my Thug Love Duets playlist

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Homesteady

I SOMETIMES feel strange for loving homesteady things like I do. I chill in my backyard recliner for hours, watching preening hens and homebound bees, scheming how to grow cucumbers on the coop roof. And my love does not always express in sweet, reasonable ways; it frequently veers into obsessive fiend territory. Storey guidebooks and goat kid YouTubes are my bedtime porn.

I might be crazy. But maybe my fixation is rooted in wholesome earnestness. I think this stuff touches depths in my soul.

Nothing satisfies me quite like producing something in collaboration with soil and plants and fellow creatures. With enough health and space I think I'd enjoy producing a significant portion of my own food. In such case I would treat my homestead chores as a job, one I love, one that has clear meaning and is as basic and necessary as work can be: the work of providing for oneself.

The usual model in our time is to pay various someones to provide all or most of our vital needs. We specialize in some niche, earning money to fund our food, clothing and shelter. This model is effective, of course, but it's so ingrained that providing for your own basic needs can seem like a cute lark, while the Serious Business of Life is assumed to be designing apps or distributing parking tickets or whatever one's specialty happens to be. Apps and parking tickets are important, but still.
On the spectrum's other end are the Preppers, whose doomsday expectations seem both paranoid and reasonable. They seek self-sufficiency in preparation for imminent system collapse, when we'll run out of oil or be hit by a mega-earthquake and only those milking their own cows shall survive. They do have a point about the fragility of the systems we take for granted. But I suspect their world-bout-to-collapse alibi partly serves to justify to themselves and others why homesteadiness is urgently valuable, when some Preppers simply feel compelled toward that way of life for less articulable reasons. I bet they're kinda in love with it, like I am.


HOMESTEADY THINGS may seem like a lot of unnecessary bother. I've often felt like I should think of it that way, open my eyes and realize I can just buy honey at the store and save myself the bee suit hassle. 

But my homestead chores don't hassle me. They ground me, and tie me to the non-human world. Sure, they're a pain in the ass sometimes, but I love the steady discipline they require and the calm routines they create. Plus I dislike the notion of household duties as drudgery to be avoided. I think you can take pride in mucking a chicken coop. That's how you know you're doing the damn thing. If I'm not cleaning up after chickens (or scrubbing a toilet, or washing dishes) someone somewhere is doing it for me. I think that's worth remembering.

Far be it from me to preach, like, Everybody should grow their own food! Just try to do one small thing! Grow potted herbs on your patio! I don't like to presume that what is good for me would be good for anybody else. If you work long office hours and eat only takeout, hey: do you. There are plenty things I prefer to have other people do for me (like, say, plumbing). This is not a "you should" diatribe. I just don't want to feel like a weirdo for prioritizing this stuff so much. I don't want anybody to laugh when I start churning my own butter.

Self-sufficiency seems old-fashioned--why do such things when we don't need to anymore? Maybe we don't, practically speaking, need to provide for ourselves, as in we won't otherwise starve. But homesteadiness satisfies the soul. It grants a deep sense of accomplishment. Providing my sustenance is the realest feeling I know.



WHEN YOU provide any portion of your own foodstuffs you also realize how uncertain a game that is. Disaster abounds. Man plans and God laughs, as we pessimistic Yids say. Weather is cruel, pests merciless; your own body betrays your intentions. Coworkers of other species are no more reliable than human ones. And sometimes you just screw up. 

This winter I had two disasters. My original bee colony succumbed to some combination of ailments, ant invaders and my own mistakes. Then Mrs. Darcy, my big, bitchy, beautiful Wyandotte, fell incurably ill. Two friends with an axe ended her miseries. To the extent such failures are my own (and it is impossible to quite know the extent) they make me feel almost unbearably guilty. I question whether any living thing should be entrusted to my care. But I always dust it off and try again. I still trust myself to take better care than a great many food producers would.


Most of us are far enough from the rural life that we imagine it as fundamentally peaceful, but it so is not. I don't ever plan to be a farmer, not least because it's hard. But then hard is real. Sometimes hens quit laying and lettuce gets coated in aphids; any insistence that it be otherwise leads down a road most of us dislike, paved with chemicals and animal abuse. Managing the constantly churning series of backyard catastrophes teaches me a lot.

Peace comes in those glimmery moments when the whole thing is mostly working. When the systems I have painstakingly devised actually allow plants to grow heartily and creatures to live a cushy lifestyle, all harmonizing to give me sustenance and earthly beauty, it seems like a goddamn miracle. But peace comes too in mid-disaster, when I'm burying a hen or taking swarming bees from a high branch, thinking, This is the business of life.


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

A Brief Poetic Analysis of Weezy's “Truffle Butter" Verse

THE FINAL lines of Lil Wayne's verse on "Truffle Butter" are magic. Not the words, of course; they're just a grab bag of oft-perverse rapperly braggadocio (e.g., paraphrasing, Beware my city is so hard people die over sneakers). But the SOUNDS. What use of language for mellifluous effect!

Goes like this:

I'm so heartless, thoughtless, lawless and flawless
Smallest, regardless, largest in charge and
Born in New Orleans
Get kilt for Jordans
Skateboard I'm gnarly
Drake, Tunechi and Barbie


Why is this so delightful? My poetry terms are rusty, but I think the delight results from a complexly intertwining rhyme scheme with assonance (which, as you may recall from a bygone English class, means repetition of vowel sounds.) 



He opens with two internally-rhyming lines (heartless-thoughtless-lawless-flawless/smallest-regardless-largest), and simultaneously begins an assonant pile-on of 'ah's that carries through the end of the verse (thought-law-flaw-small-regard-large-charge-Orleans-Jordans-gnarly-Barbie). Course you gotta say 'Orleans' and 'Jordans' the proper Tunechi way for it to work.

At line three the structure changes utterly, in mid-sentence (enjambment!), without any break in flow. The phrases shorten, the lines start to end-rhyme, the meter shifts. The first two lines are roughly trochaic tetrameter, so four sets of stressed/unstressed syllable pairs; the assonant 'ah's are stressed and the rhyming 'ess' endings are unstressed. Lines three through five are dactyl-trochee pairings: SKATEboard I'm is a dactyl (stressed-unstressed-unstressed) and GNARly is a trochee (stressed-unstressed).

In the final line he lets Drizzy and Nicki be the stressed syllables, leaving his own moniker humbly unstressed. Perhaps an acknowledgement of his semi-emeritus, godfatherly role in today's rap world?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

On Pain

III. Appreciation

I love to complain about how Pain fucks with my life. (And lately it sure has done so.) But in rare, shining moments, I appreciate certain things about it.

I resent the Pain 96% of the time. It makes me dull, tired & stupefied. It makes my dreams seem beyond reach, because you can't reach for shit when you're lying on the floor. And Pain is self-centered, demanding you forget Wellness.

That 4% though. Moments when I appreciate the teachings of Pain make me feel calm and wise. If I can imagine that Pain gives me something worthwhile my perception of the Pain experience changes. Hardship can enrich your soul if you look at it right.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Day of the Consumption

AH, BLACK FRIDAY, the holiday of American consumerism, when demon-eyed shoppers fight for discount flat-screens across this great nation. It's not the sort of holiday you can wish somebody a happy one of. It's more like gloomy Yom Kippur, when you wish people 'an easy fast.'

I am not strictly opposed to consumerism; surely we can all enjoy a bit of exuberant retail now and then without harm. But the consumerism of Black Friday has a maniacal, desperate tone. It is not billed as a fun day out shopping, but as a sort of mall armageddon. Getting gifts becomes, in this model, a massive, panic-stricken mission rather than a cool opportunity to think up a few things loved ones might enjoy.  Talk of 'door-busters' and 4am store openings, frantic ads during Thanksgiving football, whip buyers into a retail feeding frenzy.


Walmart challenges you to win it.
Black Friday ads are designed to create a perception of urgent need and brief abundance, to be followed by dire scarcity. These deals won't last, they grimly warn. Get yours NOW, before they're ALL GONE. Women in commercials compare their bag takes, implicitly competing for some 21st century homemaking prize. The shoppers at big box stores look like looters, grabbing what they can while the getting is good. Walmart challenges customers to 'win the day.'

The very name has the ring of doomsday. Black Tuesday was when the 1929 stock market crashed, for godsakes, ushering in the Great Depression. This is how we kick off the Most Wonderful Time of the Year©?

The purpose of the madness is for everybody to get what they want on Christmas, without it costing a fortune. That sounds like an okay idea. It is amazing how many shiny gadgets, lovely clothes and complicated toys can be had today on a reasonable budget, and, hey, I'm all for bargain shopping and not immune to shiny gadgetry. And yet it sounds awfully nice for retailers not to manipulate us so crassly, for kids not to expect Playstations, and for moms not to feel obliged to camp out at Walmart to buy them.




Friday, October 31, 2014

Dawn of the Booty Supremacists

ONCE UPON a time, women longed to have flat butts. 'Big tits, tiny ass' is how my mother described the body ideal of her youth. How times have changed. I have a forty-two inch posterior and no complaints.

Well, one complaint. Now that we the callipygian have risen to power, I don't want us lording it over the assless. In the pop culture vanguard, the lording has already begun.