That title was just to lure you. Really I'm here to promote Stewpot.
Just kidding!
Top 5 SEXIEST VOICES
5. SEAN PAUL
Just a Jamaican accent goes a long way. All the better if he favors incomprehensibles like, "The gal dem Schillaci Sean da Paul." Picture him saying:
Just gimme the gees an we be clubbing yow.
Gal a make we please and we be thuggin' now.
Sippin' Hennesey an we'll be bubblin' yow.
Set we mind at ease we got to take it slow.
Also see what I mean about the popularity of my poultry? Hennessey! Sippin'--that sounds obscene!
4. COREY FLINTOFF
Picture him saying: "From NPR News in Washington, I'm Corey Flintoff."
3. SACHA BARON COHEN
Oh I know he's so played out right now, but I can't resist. Hopefully needless to say, I do NOT refer to the Borat voice, but SBC's real voice as revealed to me in his Golden Globe speech. (But the Ali G voice will do, too.) Picture him saying: "I thought to myself, I better win a bloody award for this."
2. PATRICK FITZGERALD
Brooklyn-bred prosecutor of the powerful. Hot. Picture him saying, "At the end of the day what appears is that Mr. Libby's story...was not true. It was false. He was at the beginning of the chain of phone calls, the first official to disclose this information outside the government to a reporter. And then he lied about it afterwards, under oath and repeatedly." Who's your daddy?
1. SHOCK G
Don't think "Humpty Dance." Think "Freaks of the Industry." You know, the one who put the satin on your panties. Picture him saying:
Still bringin satin for them drawers/
Velvet for the mic and got a pound for the cause
I didn't do a ladies category. Any nominees from you lady-lovers? Keisha Cole?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Are You Ready To Make a Difference?
Sorry, Clebketeers. I know you've been lonesome for me lately.
Well, I'm back with a very special post. I got an email today that really struck me. It's from an organization called Brian's Lights, which is addressing a problem most of us would prefer to ignore. Here is the email in its entirety:
The Problem
At 7:55 am Brian sat, hunched over his concoction of nonfat yogurt, granola, and sweetened condensed milk. He stared ahead at the 55 gallon marine aquarium in his living room. It was glorious. A labor of love, he basked in its gentle blue glow like a newborn plant on the first day of spring. But there was also a look of melancholy on his face, what some might refer to as a pallor. When his girlfriend/caretaker of 8 years inquired as to his downcast appearance, his reply was heartbreaking: "This is my only tank time of the day."
TT/WT Conflict
You see, Brian had an affliction that affects so many of us in the marine aquarium community: tank time/work time (TT/WT)conflict. Brian was already late for work, yet the swirling mini-sea of life inside his tank had only begun to rouse itself. He had no choice but to console himself with the few stolen minutes that he could grab before work. By the time he returned home, huffing and puffing on his bicycle at 6:00 pm, the lights would be off and the majestic fruit of his labors, the corals and fish and marine invertebrates that he worked so hard for, would be tucked in to bed, fast asleep for another long night. Oh, sure, the fuge lights were on a reverse timer and would come on at 11:00, but who wanted to party down there? That chaeto always seemed like it was coming on to him, and as for those slimeball pods...well, 'nuff said.
The Plain Facts
Consider this: over 90% of amateur marine aquarists have jobs. This statistic alone is staggering. Now consider this fact: many of us have to go to our jobs during what would normally be prime tank time. Because there is so much shame associated with this conflict, the problem often goes underreported. Nevertheless, TT/WT conflict is rampant throughout our community. That's why Brian decided to do something about it, not only for himself, but for all who suffer TT/WT conflict. A charity had to be started, and it had to have Brian's name in it.
Brian's Lights (tm)
For every $30 you contribute to Brian's Lights (tm), a moonlight setup will be installed in a deserving aquarium. With every $40, you can help replace a pair of sick and/or damaged actinic lights. For those in our "Seahorse" category ($80 or more), you can rest assured that Brian and others like him will have metal halides for years to come. But a special place will be reserved in all of our hearts for the "Light of My Life" givers, who donate the opportunity cost of a day's work ($160) to allow Brian and so many other sufferers the simple chance to stay home and stare at our tanks all day.
Not able to afford such a sizable donation? Wait, you can still contribute. For each $10 you give, ("Bubble Algae" class) you can defray the energy costs of running the lights for another hour, giving Brian (and others) precious moments with the tank after work.
From Problem to Solution
There is a way out. All across the country, and indeed the world, people are looking towards their tanks not in sadness, but in hope. I'm asking you to be a part of this change. Reach down, deep down, into your heart and your wallet, and pull out something big.
Brian's Lights (tm) is a nonprofit charity specializing in meeting and solving the lighting needs of today's modern aquarist.
Well, I'm back with a very special post. I got an email today that really struck me. It's from an organization called Brian's Lights, which is addressing a problem most of us would prefer to ignore. Here is the email in its entirety:
The Problem
At 7:55 am Brian sat, hunched over his concoction of nonfat yogurt, granola, and sweetened condensed milk. He stared ahead at the 55 gallon marine aquarium in his living room. It was glorious. A labor of love, he basked in its gentle blue glow like a newborn plant on the first day of spring. But there was also a look of melancholy on his face, what some might refer to as a pallor. When his girlfriend/caretaker of 8 years inquired as to his downcast appearance, his reply was heartbreaking: "This is my only tank time of the day."
TT/WT Conflict
You see, Brian had an affliction that affects so many of us in the marine aquarium community: tank time/work time (TT/WT)conflict. Brian was already late for work, yet the swirling mini-sea of life inside his tank had only begun to rouse itself. He had no choice but to console himself with the few stolen minutes that he could grab before work. By the time he returned home, huffing and puffing on his bicycle at 6:00 pm, the lights would be off and the majestic fruit of his labors, the corals and fish and marine invertebrates that he worked so hard for, would be tucked in to bed, fast asleep for another long night. Oh, sure, the fuge lights were on a reverse timer and would come on at 11:00, but who wanted to party down there? That chaeto always seemed like it was coming on to him, and as for those slimeball pods...well, 'nuff said.
The Plain Facts
Consider this: over 90% of amateur marine aquarists have jobs. This statistic alone is staggering. Now consider this fact: many of us have to go to our jobs during what would normally be prime tank time. Because there is so much shame associated with this conflict, the problem often goes underreported. Nevertheless, TT/WT conflict is rampant throughout our community. That's why Brian decided to do something about it, not only for himself, but for all who suffer TT/WT conflict. A charity had to be started, and it had to have Brian's name in it.
Brian's Lights (tm)
For every $30 you contribute to Brian's Lights (tm), a moonlight setup will be installed in a deserving aquarium. With every $40, you can help replace a pair of sick and/or damaged actinic lights. For those in our "Seahorse" category ($80 or more), you can rest assured that Brian and others like him will have metal halides for years to come. But a special place will be reserved in all of our hearts for the "Light of My Life" givers, who donate the opportunity cost of a day's work ($160) to allow Brian and so many other sufferers the simple chance to stay home and stare at our tanks all day.
Not able to afford such a sizable donation? Wait, you can still contribute. For each $10 you give, ("Bubble Algae" class) you can defray the energy costs of running the lights for another hour, giving Brian (and others) precious moments with the tank after work.
From Problem to Solution
There is a way out. All across the country, and indeed the world, people are looking towards their tanks not in sadness, but in hope. I'm asking you to be a part of this change. Reach down, deep down, into your heart and your wallet, and pull out something big.
Brian's Lights (tm) is a nonprofit charity specializing in meeting and solving the lighting needs of today's modern aquarist.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Who I'm Worshiping Now
I have on occasion been accused of Fickle Hero Worship. Of course that's hogwash. Anyway, here's a photo gallery of Who I'm Worshipping Now:
CAN YOU NAME ALL SIX???
I know. You're probably thinking, "Lady, don't you know any actual flesh people, as opposed to famous people so distant from your life they may as well be imaginary?"
To which I would reply, "Please don't ask me that, you're making me upset."
CAN YOU NAME ALL SIX???
I know. You're probably thinking, "Lady, don't you know any actual flesh people, as opposed to famous people so distant from your life they may as well be imaginary?"
To which I would reply, "Please don't ask me that, you're making me upset."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Cooped up in the house so thought I'd post
One of my chickens always manages to fly the coop. I build the fence ever higher, but she still flaps her way over it. This is Camilla I'm talking about, of course--the impetuous one. In case it isn't obvious, by the way, I named her after Gonzo's girlfriend.
Her partner-in-laying (but not in a sexual way) is Hennessy. She's always getting shouted out by rappers and it's so sweet! But I do wonder, sometimes...why are they so into her? What goes on in that coop at night?
Anyway, Hennessy is very well-behaved in daylight. But Camilla always flies the coop. This might not sound like much of a problem since chickens really do always come home to roost. She doesn't wander off. But she does shit all over the patio and dig up my plants.
So I was thinking maybe I should clip her wings.
Are you crying? Doesn't that sound terrible? Clip her wings, oh god: I couldn't handle the metaphoric implications.
Then I recalled that I am already fencing her in. And keeping her cooped up.
Maybe whenever you take up something humans have been doing for a really long time you bump into the origins of metaphors. It's kinda awkward because you're like, oh, hi, you're literal.
I noticed it when I started gardening, sowing seeds and reaping harvests, making fertile ground and the like. And when Brian started working down at the docks (okay, yes, he does payroll), I found out that some people literally put down anchor and set sail. Go overboard and ship out.
I know. It's pretty mortifying that I never thought about all that before. But the chickens don't think I'm stupid. Course they're freakin bird brains.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Fabulous Life of...
My proud front yard circa May 2006. I shan't pretend it looks like this now.At middle left, my hens, back in their fleeting chickhood.
HENNESSEY (right): "Jeepers, looks like a great big world out there. S'pose we're ready for it?"
CAMILLA (left) drops an impetuous shit: "Is it ready for us?"
Hard to believe those little cotton balls are now feeding me scrambled eggs. Chicks having chicks. (Shaking head.)
At bottom left, Paulie Walnuts, aka Paulo, aka Mr. Wognuts, aka Plush Toy, aka Wally Almonds. A little light in his paw-pads. Currently recuperating from debt-defying surgery, consoling himself at tomcatsluts.com.
At bottom right, Brian, co-conspirator. Also goes by the name of DJ Crimson.
Oh, and that's me at the top, but don't try to discern anything about me from this picture, because it's a lie. My hair isn't actually straight; I had just come from my biennial haircut. And I don't mean twice a year.
Below is me again, but still a dishonest representation, since I haven't actually done hard time.
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