I Wish I Had a ForTwo

O I wish I had a ForTwo

For I do so love to drive

(There it is, I said it

Virtue princess: tan my hide!)

Bee-beep! Here comes Clebbie!

I wish I had a ForTwo

For I do so love things small

O the tiny parking spaces

Into which we'd crawl!

I should ride a bike or walk or take a crappy bus

But I just want to get there, soon, without the sweat and fuss

There's nothing quite so lovely as cruisin in my ride

Radio blasting, windows down, gas and break and glide

In my ForTwo I'm no sinner

Why, it barely is a car!

In my ForTwo I'm an ecosaint

A renegade, a star!

I want my ForTwo hybrid

And cheap somehow, and blue

But the bit that really matters

Is that it be for two

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Ho Cosigners

I recently learned an important lesson (from an anonymous hip hop expert): white people who make black music need black cosigners. Eminem had Dr. Dre, Timberlake has Timbaland. Elvis surely had somebody. The black cosigner essentially says, He's alright; I declare that we will tolerate him. Cultivating black cosigners is very important. Otherwise, it's portrait of the artist as a pale fool.

So, in my Clebbie way, I've developed a spinoff concept: the ho cosigner. The function of a ho cosigner is to sing choruses cosigning the sexism in the verses. She essentially says, I like this ho role; I thrive on objectification. Think Hey Dirty, baby I got your money--or--Biggie Biggie gimme one more chance. Dr. Dre employed this technique often. It was a favorite trick in the nineties.

In fact, some would say the ho cosigner has fallen out of favor these days. And some, probably the same ones, would say that perhaps that hints at a gentle-slope decline in sexism in rap since the days when "something to poke on" was shorthand for "woman." Others, however, would call this a fantasy. And those others might also want to embark on a relationship-threatening argument about the whole matter, and that argument might make the first party insecure in their opinions and might keep them from revising the post they had written on the subject because of said insecurity.

What was I talking about?

Ah yes, ho cosigners.

Hip hop may not be any less sexist, but I'll submit this: That was Kelis--Kelis--cosigning ODB, saying she had his money and he need not worry. I can't imagine her stooping so low now. She's all about the liberated sexiness, a la My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and, (ahem, pardon me) Wait til you taste my clit.

Uh, I can't end on that note...Anybody have anything else to say? No? Okay. Laters.

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Deep Thought for Friday

What if Sarah Palin was ugly and fat?

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Keith Olbermann Still Sucks

Guess what. Keith Olbermann still sucks. His suckiness was noted by yours truly, rather controversially, in a 2006 column. Olbermann's fan club called for my hide. (I shat on Anderson Cooper in the column too, but nobody minded that.) Said one Keithite:

seriously, i kind of feel sorry for her. i guess not every progressive can have the brains to be grateful to Olbermann. she's a sad little commentator, isn't she? pitiful.

I cried. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did.



Olbermann's popularity has only grown as his show has matoored. But I still can't fucking stand him. His self-congratulatory attempts to conceal his ego are worse than the ego itself. False modesty has no place in a news show because a news show is not about you in the first place. And I maintain that being a generalized smarty pants does not qualify a person for an anchor chair.

To lefty people who want their own Bill O'Reilly, I say, like Demetri Martin, let's never hang out. I know news can never be perfectly objective, but it's something to shoot for, isn't it? Tom Brokaw may get a bit fuddyduddy, but doesn't he seem to have a sacred notion of The News that deserves respect?

The NBC News brand has been tarnished by the lefty flavoring of MSNBC, and Brokaw and Brian Williams have seemed to me visibly resentful when appearing on the Chris-n-Keith primary and convention shows. (I like to read a lot into things. Don't dispute me; I'll cry.)

Which brings me to Rachel Maddow. We all know she's irresistible. That much makeup and still butchy: props to you, girl. But when I watched the debut of the Rachel Maddow Show on Monday, I felt like no, no, no, no, no. First of all, I don't want Rache to be the Palin with Olbs on top of the ticket. She's better than that. And second, this just reinforces the whole icky team-think MSNBC-as-left-Fox thing.

Maddow, you lovely, witty lesbian, I must warn you that there was another charming young woman on MSNBC's fresh new face track. She subbed for Olbermann then got her own show. Her name was Alison Stewart and I loved her from back in the day on MTV News. She's on the radio now. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

After years wandering the desert alone with my Olbermann loathing, it's admittedly satisfying to see his star falling a bit. The New York Times reported Sunday that pleasantly boring (though sometimes inadequate) David Gregory will be scooching Olbermann out of the anchor chair for election coverage.

Call me crazy, but I still prefer Chris Matthews.

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Siren Song of the Virtue Princess

There is a certain sort of person, inevitably female, who makes me feel bad about myself. A selfless, correct sort of person, who has no car and does social work and exercises outdoors. (The exercise is only for health because the virtue princess cares not for silly things. Be she hot, it is purely accidental.)

Virtue princess candidates, if you're reading: wait! I may sound resentful, but my resentment is borne of the highest admiration!

If only I could admire the virtue princess from afar, without being lured into her sensible shopping habits and prediliction for lentils. We should cheer on the virtue princess, thank her for educating our underprivileged youth and working at our shitty nonprofits and volunteering in third world villages. Thanks for doing all those hard things I'm not doing! Glad that's taken care of! But guilt can instead goad us lesser souls into mocking the virtuous. How naive they are, world-saving goals doomed, &c.

I'll grant that the virtue princess doesn't quite exist. She's more of a mythic creature, an amalgam of perfectly selfless traits.

Some real asshole, someone who throws away cans, might even think I am a virtue princess, to the meager extent that I waste money on organic food and like animals.

But I push back on virtuous tendencies. Because dammit I want to listen to rap and buy the fancy jeans. (Oh, I forgot to mention that the virtue princess listens to non-sexist vaggie music and wears amorphous mom jeans.)

Maybe some people, those who approach virtue princessness, just are that good. If I say "good for them," it sounds snarkerrific, but I mean it for real.

And if it's my nature to be a little bit bad, I can at least try to relish my sins.

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Biden: Snap, She Called It

Hot damn, my political predictions are good. I hate to brag (no, I take that back: I love to brag), but I made reference to an Obama/Biden ticket back in...wait for it...wait for it...December! the year 2007 (albeit the waning hours thereof)!!


Wait, was anybody talking about Biden as VP at that time? Wasn't Biden still running himself? Wasn't Barack still pie in the sky? No, yes and yes!!


Uh! Suck it, real commentators!


And I hate to turn the knife here (okay, I actually don't hate to), but I also nailed John Edwards, much like he nailed a lady who was not his long-suffering wife. Here I am, calling out his weasely nature, in the same post.


Now I just need to never predict anything and I'll stay two for two.

I'm very pleased with the Biden pick. (Since, you know, my view on the subject is desperately sought.)


Joe Biden made stupid racial comments at the outset about Obama, totally disregarding the Let's Not Be Racist! Basics Manual, which explicitly discourages use of the word "articulate" when complimenting a black person. (Not to mention "clean".) And he has made other dubious remarks, Indian people, quickie marts, etc. So, he might be a little bit racist, it's true.


However, prior to the Cleb shitlisting he faced with those comments, I held him in high esteem. He seems to have been an effective legislator throughout his triple-decade senate career. And I think he shares with Obama a fervent urge to keep it real. I've been struck every time I've seen him interviewed on TV (okay, probably just once, on The Daily Show) by the normal sound of his voice. He doesn't have a whiny politician accent.


I find that telling. I think when Obama repeats over and over that Biden rides the train home to Delaware each night, he has a point. Biden, for all his long senate service, is not a politicobot. He's recognizably human.


Plus he sent me this cute email with subject "Hello."

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Best Month Ever

August 2008. What I would have said if I'd been here:

Resigned to network TV--no longer Think I Can Dance--but Josh wins!--next up: Olympic fever--okay, China, you can join the superpower club, just stop it; 2008 drummers scaring me--damn your handsome ass, Kobe! how does he look good in that sailor-silly outfit?--Morgan Freeman Visa ads make me cry--finished dead last...but finished--why do I feel sorry for Michael Phelps? 10,000 calories a day has to be fun, right?--Sports: I don't get it--Alicia Sacramone is pretty!--(Is Nastia a bitch? You can tell me, Alicia.)--we all saw Mary Lou Retton cheering for chipper chipmunk Shawn--just sayin--do I hear crowing?--I got soul, but I'm not a soldier--who will take gold in the Creepy Overbearing Olympic Dad event? Butch May or Valeri Liukin?--told you John Edwards is a weasel; it had to happen: Law of Couples says the guy can never look better--official: I hate James Joyce--two-peach-a-day habit--if "American Boy" and "Calabria" take turns on the radio forever, fine with me--Wuh-wuh wuya rackamaron cuh-nuh-yuh-titon cutiton-yeah (like learning Hebrew songs, memorize sounds and understand nothing)--fever breaks: once Usain bolts, what else can there be?--fuck, I raised a rooster --"Winona" out-->two new chickies: welcome Betsy, bonjour Marianne!--first night in the coop, so you know it's Bay Area soul lullabyes; what scared pullet wouldn't be soothed by Keisha Cole and Goapele as performed by Cleb?--I used to think that I wasn't fine enough/And I used to think that I wasn't cheep-cheep wild enough cheeeep!--Ximena, don't peck! shhh But I won't waste my time tryina figure out/Why you're playin games what's this all about cheep-cheep-cheep (this disgusts Crim)--hey, wouldn't it be cute to death if they had literal pussycats (kittens!) all in a chorus line singing When I grow up/I want to be famous--the convention is coming! cable is coming! unshackle me, Comcast!--it's Biden?! it's Biden!! more on this soon--well whaddya know, cable news still blows--you bloviate, I watch--no longer fine with me if "American Boy" and "Calabria" take turns on the radio--how much adulatory compensation for the presidency do the Clintons need?--welcome back, Barack--just a break, like I promised, not a breakup--overheard: I'm not gonna say WTF anymore. I'm just gonna say "Sarah Palin"--hurricane+convention=abominable PR-->God hates Republicans--THE END

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