It is customary for me to make fun of will.i.am. And so it will be today. But his instantly-churned Obama celebration song, "It's a New Day" and the accompanying video are irresistible. The song was released Wednesday the 5th, because of course everything in the modern age must happen mega-instantaneously to be worth anything. And just to up the ante on techno-neato-rifics, i.am appeared on CNN on election night in: hologram form. (Him and Anderson Cooper trying to act all breezy like they just felt hologram would be the most sensible way to do the interview was hilarious. Just the two of them together was God's gift to Cleb.)
So, watch the video. Download the song. Feel warm. When i.am says it'll be "You/ And me/Together," I'm not gonna go all brat on him like, no, I'm not coming.
But: a catty aside. Obviously will.i. is not expressing pure feelings from the 5th ("Woke up this morning/feeling all right") since the song was produced way before. So that's a blemish on his artistic integrity, although surely--snicker--the first. And then there's this curious lyric: "I've been fighting for tomorrow/All my life." Was he fighting for tomorrow when he made all those ho anthems for Fergie? Just saying. I don't like how he plays this pimpy-trashy/political-hopey split and gets away with it.
Okay now I'm nice again. It really has felt like a new day. I'm glad there's a smiling video with Kyra Sedgwick and Aisha Tyler cameos to keep reminding me.
It's been a nonstop party at our place. Crim's spinning "Signed Sealed Delivered," the chickens are squawking over the passage of Prop 2 and I'm formatting everyday chitchat into Obamaspeak. (On finally pruning the lemon trees: They said this day would never come.)
But one member of the household is in post-election doldrums. After his long journey from Log Cabin Republicanism to full-purr embrace of Obama, the big victory Tuesday was marred for poor Paulie Walnuts by that indignity called Prop 8.
A few days ago, he looked up at me and heartbreakingly asked:
How long would it take to walk to West Hollywood?
For a pudgy kitty with a lingering limp from two broken legs, a long time indeed. But he wanted to march. All his Facebook friends from down south were going to be there. He started working on a little sign: 'Tomcats 4 Tomcats: Don't Dog Our Love.' (He's never been in a serious relationship, but this was hardly the time to point that out.)
What about to the Castro?
It would still be too much, I told him. He just recently used up one of his lives, I reminded. Still, I understood his hunger for a pilgrimage. (He also declared himself hungry for tooney, but I wasn't going to let him get away with leveraging his oppression in a bid to be spoiled.)
We talked about it. I told him I understood his pain and was proud of his passion. But I urged him not to feel beaten down. The inevitable march of progress is on your side, Walnuts.
This seemed to help and he decided to take a nap by the front window, beside his new sign: 'HONK if I'm CUTEenough to deserve CIVIL RIGHTS.' It was a frequently disrupted snooze.
Amid the skeptical, naysaying horde, one man got it right. That man was Crimmie Crim. Months ago, he started saying, out of nowhere, into the clear, cold night:
In the end, it wasn't close...
It was freaking me out when he would say this. But in the end, he was right. Even Nebraska has a little blue freckle.
Of course he can't win. He's not even fighting for it! Because he's a wussilicious Obambi. And anyway the DemDream candidate loses to the machine Dembot. Or, if one sneaks past the nominating process, he's headed for cautionary tale status via a Republican creaming. Only lame Southern DLCers can win.
His only appeal is to suckers for gauze. Serious lefty people see him for the bland centrist he is. John Edwards is the true progressive candidate, keeping it real with his grit, morals, affinity for the common man and marital fidelity.
Chris Matthews squandered all credibility with his JFK comparisons and the thrill up his leg.
He's too black. He's not black. Black people reject him because he's fake black. Also white people secretly hate him but they don't want you to know. Also Latinos kinda don't like black people, so count them out. He's like way too weird and complicated and Americans need a bland story in red, white and blue tacked to their candidates. And don't count on those *young people* who'll be like oops I was fucking around online and I totally forgot to vote.
Caucuses are undemocratic. They don't count. Also small states. Don't count. He can't win big states like New York and California. He can't compete in crucial battlegrounds like Michigan, Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania. He can't close the deal. Superdelegates, that's the thing. Superdelegates!
You have to be fucking kidding me. Just in general.
Fifty-state whategy? Please. Cut it out. Perhaps you've heard of a certain looooser named Howard Dean. Oh yeah, he'll win in the South. Sure. Why not. The skies will open, the light will come down, celestial choirs will be singing and blue paint will spill across this great nation. You just try that. McCain has scars and experience. You can't put this flimsy hoper up against that.
He should be more tough and less celebry and more wonkish and less wonkish and stand up, stand up, stand up and fight. Oh shit, Sarah Palin! That's it. It's over. Sarah Palin and her magic. Biden? Gaffe factory. Sure to ruin shit. And BO-ring. Sarah's got that spark.
And too you know we're a center-right nation, betcha. Those for-reals Americans they don't like the taxing and the socialisting and you know he's not, I'm trying to be nice about this but he's not one of us. I'm not even sure in what way, but he's just not, somehow or other.
He might be ahead because of the financial crisis, but McCain will sweep in and fix that. He might be ahead in the polls, but that doesn't mean...you might not know this, but there's a thing called the Bradley effect. You also might not know about the Republican 36-hour get-out-the-vote machine.
I have been in Obama obsession for ten long months, a thrilling but strenuous stretch which I hope will end in bliss one week from today. So single-minded has my focus been that I did not notice until a few days ago that there are some propositions lying around. Several of them concern issues dear to me, like gay rights and chickens and how to get to Anaheim with minimum suffering. So since I can say nothing more about Obama for now, allow me to share with you my proper recommendations.
Prop 1a--Bullet Train YEAH! Neato! It's good for the environment! It's an economic stimulus! Let's do it! If a bullet train offered to take you from SF to LA in three hours, could you possibly say no? Surely not if you've suffered the grueling drive down the 5, feedlot odors wafting through closed windows, arriving at 2am to avoid LA traffic and still not avoiding it. Bullet tickets would be approx cheaper than gas.
Prop 2--Farm Animals YES, please Let hardscrabble California layers spread their wings by 2015. So much to ask? This prop prohibits harsh confinement of farm animals in general, but since we don't have much of a pork or veal industry, the LA Times calls Prop 2 "all about chickens." The more you understand chickens, the sadder it gets to see footage of laying hens squeezed four to a stacked cage. (Those in the bottom cages literally get shit on.) My three hennies have a fifteen square foot coop; any time they have to stay in it all day, bitching and moaning is sure to ensue. They can't imagine the animal despair of birds who can't even flap a wing, never mind parachute off the ramp door across the backyard.
Prop 4--Parental Notification NO Preggers teens screwed enough already. Californians have already voted down parental notification for abortions, in part because critics pointed out that notification could be a bitch for girls from abusive homes. This new version is supposed to answer those critics by allowing young ladies to notify another "adult family member" if their parents are sufficiently mean. Yeah, since every kid from an abusive home has some *cool relative* they can go tell they got pregnant. The "other adult family member" thing would also require the pregnant teen to officially declare her parent(s) abusive. I say she's got enough to worry about.
Prop 8--Outlaw Gay Marriage NO AND HELL NO Just equal rights.
Isn't it funny how the prejudiced of any given era are always sure they're not the assholes? Were white people in Alabama in the fifties like, Yes, I'm racist, I want to deny black people their civil rights. No, they were like, Separate but equal! We don't have anything against black people! We just think certain customary norms should remain in place, is all. Likewise, those waving signs for Prop 8 at the Fruitvale 580 exit seem totally sure they're just abiding tradition and religion. Memo to them: It never feels like you're the bigot future generations will disdain. Props 7 and 10 are fakey environmental props, so no thanks.
